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Kiruv Questions

Some community members have asked us for advice on dealing with non-religious Shabbos guests. Even though we know that most people who are hosting will not need this, we are providing it for those who do.

1. The first thing to appreciate when having non-religious Shabbos guests is that you are not required to "make them frum." The Ribono Shel Olam takes care of that, our job is to make them feel comfortable and accepted, which will allow them to be open to the beauty of Shabbos. So just relax and enjoy.
2. Due to the unique nature and beauty of Shabbos - Shabbos sells itself. Just allow that to happen.
3. Most non-religious people these days do not experience getting together, even with their own families, in the way that a Shabbos meal allows. Just giving them the opportunity to see your family, the kids and the warmth that that produces - especially in a Shabbos setting -- touches the neshama in its own unique way. This does not mean that your kids have to behave perfectly or that the house should be spotless. Just be yourselves and they'll love it.
4. 95% of kiruv is caring. Therefore all you really have to do is care about another yid. When people feel cared for, they are touched and moved. Who takes "strangers" into their home, treats them like royalty, gives them their best food, has them sleep over? Only family. If you are treating them like your family, they will love it. They will also connect on an intuitive level that the Jewish People are really one family.

Some Pointers:

1. If they are staying with you for the whole Shabbos, offering them food and drink - oneg Shabbos at the appropriate times is great. Food is the great symbol of care.
2. Show interest in them. Involve them at the Shabbos table. Ask them about themselves early on in the meal (what they do, what kind of Jewish education they had, if they've been to Israel etc). This breaks the ice. Be fully interested in who they are and what they are doing. It's fascinating to understand the lives of our fellow Jews.
3. Be very careful not to get upset with them if they mistakenly switch the lights on or off in the bathroom or any other Shabbos melachah that they do not know about. Their feeling your acceptance will encourage their Shabbas observance in the long run more than any criticism. The fine art of distraction is the best way to stop a Shabbos melachah. Also if someone does not have a kipah, have one handy to offer in a friendly way.
4. Try to explain the "religious" parts of the meal to them in an understandable way. You do not need to explain everything but some basic overview helps. Don't give a shiur (...unless they ask you to!). In fact, you want to be short and sweet. If you feel that you will not do a good job of explaining - don't worry. It can add to give a nice explanation. But if you don't, it doesn't detract.
Possible explanations:
• • Kiddush
  During the week we run around trying to achieve, trying to be successful - no time to spare - just do, do, do, run, run, run. We're bombarded by computers, e-mails, mobile phones, deadlines, and results. On Shabbos we leave all that behind - it's simply a time to be, to spend with our family, appreciating the beauty of existence, and the G-d Who gave it to us. When we make Kiddush we focus ourselves on this so we don't forget that this is what Shabbos is all about.
• • Washing Hands
  Ask them if they know how to wash hands for the meal. Suggest that you can show them how to do it. Offer to help them with the bracha and let them know that we don't speak until we eat the challah.
  
  To explain this, the following might be helpful:
  Human beings can devour food like animals, or alternatively, our meal can be elevating - a spiritual activity. We wash our hands to symbolize that our eating should not be an end unto itself. Rather, a means to higher actions that are meaningful and pure. Our hands represent our actions and washing them symbolizes the purity of our actions. We bring this to our awareness when we start our meal to get our focus right.
  
  In addition, they may ask you about the salt, the two challahs or covering the challahs. If they do, have something short and sweet on hand

5. If you do parsha with your kids or have kids who can say a Dvar Torah, that's great. It's a real experience for guests to see kids learning Torah even if your kids don't get all the answers right. Just make sure your guests don't feel left out if it goes on for too long.
6. If you sing zemiros, the NCSY bentschers with the English phonetics is ideal. Also the short songs at the back are much easier for them to catch onto, as they probably do not know the Shabbos zemiros. Beautiful singing does touch the soul. Alternatively, a good niggun is great.
7. Bentsching. Again, the NCSY bentschers are great. If you sing the bentsching - many people know the tune even if not religious. It also makes it more interesting for them. So if you can show them the page and tell them what page you are on - or have someone show them - as you go through, that helps greatly.

Feel free to take what you want from these general guidelines. Most of all, we hope you enjoy your guests and may you be zocheh to many brachos as a result of your involvement in the beautiful mitzvos of hachnasas orchim and kiruv rechokim. Thank you so much!

Have a wonderful Shabbos!

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Hosting Non-Religious Shabbos Guests

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