Teaching Materials
Shmooze
Teaching Materials
Why do so many people spend their lives pursuing financial success while neglecting things they know are worth so much more than money?
Q: At the end of one's life, no one says, "I wish I had spent more time at the office." You'll never read in an obituary, "the deceased made over $150,000 a year, drove a Prosche and wore Armani suits. He was quite a guy." So why do so many people spend their lives pursuing financial success while neglecting things they know are worth so much more than money?
Clearly, no amount of money can outweigh love. Would you be willing to give up one of your children for 25 million dollars? What if your child would receive the best of everything, but you would never see or hear from him again.
Tough call? Of course not.
If 'money can't buy you love,' why do so many people neglect their closest relationships for attaining financial success?
The reason is that they are after something even greater than love - and that is the need for self-respect. Everyone needs to be able to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say, "Yes - I'm a somebody!" As president of your own company, with a beautiful family, house and BMW in tow, you can tell yourself, "I've finally made it."
For many, achieving financial success and fame is what gives them the feeling that their life has value.
In Hebrew, this is called "kavod" - honor, coming from the word "kaved" which means heavy. We give weight to the people we respect. Self-respect means you look at yourself as a person of weight and substance. It's feeling you're anything but a lightweight.
Why does success give people that sense of weight and self-importance? Not all feelings of "kavod" are the real McCoy. There's a counterfeit version out there that has nothing to do with who you really are and everything to do with who people think you are. Success may be the fool's gold of self-esteem.
Tap your finger on the table for a few seconds. No big deal, right? Now imagine standing center-stage in Madison Square Garden. The place is packed! Tens of thousands have paid to watch you - the world's greatest finger-tapper! As you start tapping, your fans go wild, erupting in thunderous applause and then rising to give you a standing ovation!
How would you feel? When eighty thousand people are cheering and saying you're the greatest, it's easy to start imagining a meaningless activity like finger-tapping as something that counts. After all, everyone else says it's important.
Don't confuse looking good with being good. Just because the world admires someone for putting a ball through a metal hoop, it doesn't mean that he is performing a truly meaningful act. All he's doing is tapping his finger.
If it's an external source that gives you self-esteem, you can be sure it's counterfeit. Trying to live up to society's standards is one of the most powerful contributors to a false sense of self-worth. And the standard most worshipped by Western society today is financial success.
Certainly you can use money or stardom to do many truly admirable things. But success in and of itself doesn't make you good. Genuine self-respect is completely independent from what anyone thinks of you. Only by embodying real values and striving for moral perfection do we truly become elevated and worthy of respect.
Our craving for respect is so strong, it can even lead to murder. Read the words of a ruthless mobster, who killed his best friend in cold blood, explaining why he joined the Mafia:
"It's the greatest thing that a human being could experience. The flavor is so good. The high is so natural. When you sneeze, 15 handkerchiefs come out. I mean, wherever you go, people can't do enough for you...If you walk into a restaurant, they'll chase the person out of the best table and put you there. There's just so much glamour, respect and money...It's unbelievable. You're with the elite. You feel that you're so superior and that you're chosen...I know in my heart that I would do it all again. I'm talking from the heart. So how could I say I'm sorry? If I say I'm sorry, who am I kidding? I did it, and I loved it."Interview in Time Magazine, June 24, 1991
Here's an unrepentant murderer who wakes up every morning feeling great about himself! That's how intoxicating "kavod" can be.
It's tempting to settle for the illusory feeling of self-worth social approval provides and to fall into the honor trap. It bypasses the incredibly hard work of living up to moral standards while allowing you the false sense of feeling good about yourself no matter what kind of person you really are. But in the end you become like an imposter, hollow underneath it all. There's nothing wrong with striving for fame and financial success. But don't mistake it for true inner worth. Integrity, values and moral courage are the things that give us weight and "kavod". There are no shortcuts to genuine self-respect.
IN SUMMARY
For many, success feeds one of the most primary human needs - the need for self-respect. Why?
- The counterfeit version of self-esteem has nothing to do with who you really are and everything to do with who people think you are.
- Don't confuse looking good with being good. Just because the world admires a person for putting a ball through a metal hoop doesn't mean he is performing a truly meaningful activity.
- Success doesn't make you good. Only by embodying real values and striving for moral courage do you attain true self-esteem.
1. Honor drives the heart of man more than all the desires in the world. If not for [honor], a man would be content to have his minimum needs for food, clothing and shelter met. Earning a livelihood would be easy for him, and he would not have to exert himself to get rich. But in order not to see himself lower than his fellowmen, he engages in this undertaking, and there is no end to his labor."
The Path of the Just, Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto, Ch.11
2. A person is obligated to say, "The world was created for me." [Babylonian Talmud, Sanhedrin 37a] We are obligated to be aware of our own greatness. Feel proud that you are created in the image of God. Pride in the awareness of the greatness and elevation of your soul is not only proper, but it is actually an obligation. It is a binding duty to recognize your virtues and to live with this awareness.
Toras Avraham, Rabbi Avraham Grodzinski, p 49.
3. Anyone who chases after stature, stature flees from him; and anyone who flees from stature, stature runs after him.
Babylonian Talmud, Eruvin 13b.
4. When performing a good deed and other people are present, imagine you are standing in a forest surrounded only by trees and flowers. In the long run there is no difference between the two situations. Just as the trees have no awareness of what you are doing, so too in the long run it does not make a difference what those people thought about you for the few seconds they saw you.
Yesod Veshoresh HaAvoda 1:10, as quoted in Gateway to Happiness, Rabbi Zelig Pliskin
5. Rabbi Elazar HaKappar says: Jealousy, desire and honor remove a person from the world.
Ethics of the Fathers, 4:28.
Excerpted from Shmooze: Thought Provoking Discusssion on Essential Jewish Issues.
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Rabbi Nechemia Coopersmith is the co-editor of Aish.com and director of Research and Development for Aish HaTorah in Jerusalem. He is the author of Shmooze: A Guide to Thought-Provoking Discussion on Essential Jewish Issues. |
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