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Kiruv 101

Stories about the remarkable journeys and self-sacrifice of baalei teshuva are always fascinating. Certainly, throughout Aish HaTorah's 30 years of outreach, many special stories have unfolded. The following eight stories, as told by Rabbi Noach Weinberg, illustrate some of the fundamental principles we need in order to be effective in kiruv.

LESSON ONE: WE HAVE NO CHOICE

Several years ago, during a visit to an old talmid, I met a young chassidishe Jew who was fascinated to learn that I work with baalei teshuva.

"You know what?" he tells me proudly, "I also made someone a baal tshuva!"

"Did you?" I say. "That's fantastic! Who was it?"

"Oh," he says, "it was a very special woman. And she was ninety-five-years-old!"

I was speechless. He convinced a ninety-five-year-old woman to suddenly change her entire lifestyle and take on Torah and mitzvos? I told him frankly, "I may work in kiruv full time, but you're the professor. You're the master of the art. Please, teach me how you did it."

"OK," he said, "I'll tell you...

"At the time, I owned a nursing home near Baltimore. We had 300 beds, and those beds were occupied by three Jews and 297 non-Jews. I was told that I could serve the non-Jews treif, but I must serve the three Jews kosher. Now my kitchen staff was not about to cook kosher meals for three people, so we gave them pre-packaged Schreiber meals. Every breakfast, lunch and supper, they received a prepared kosher meal. It was expensive, but what could I do? They were Jewish.

"Everything was going fine, until one day an inspector from the state of Maryland came to check that our facility was fulfilling all its regulations. It's a very tough inspection; they check everything - the doctor's files, the medicine chest, the rooms, the kitchen, the recreation facilities... The inspection took three full days! Finally, at the end of it all, the inspector congratulates me. Everything is fine; he didn't find one violation.

"He's just about to step out the door, when one of the patients approaches him. 'Mr. Inspector!' she says. 'He doesn't give me the same food as everybody else. He's discriminating against me!'

"The inspector stops in his tracks. Discrimination? In America? 'What are you talking about?' he asks her.

" 'I don't know why he does it, Mr. Inspector,' she insists, 'but he doesn't give me the same food as everyone else.'

"Now the inspector calls me over and demands, 'What's this lady saying?'

"Here I am, a chassidishe young man, and I have to explain to the nursing home inspector that she's Jewish and I'm Jewish, and we have certain dietary laws...

" 'You know,' says the inspector sternly, 'America's a free country. You can't force this lady to eat whatever you decide. She's entitled to be treated just like everyone else and if you don't straighten this out, we're going to shut you down deader than a doornail!'

"So what did I do? I went over to the lady and said, 'Don't you know your food costs me five times as much as everyone else's? Kosher food is much more expensive. I'm actually losing money on you.'

"But she says, 'Save your money. I want to eat like everybody else.'

"So I say, 'Look, everyone knows kosher food is much more delicious. The other stuff is chazarei, but kosher food? Hmm.'

And she says, 'I'm 95 years old; you think I taste anything? I just want to eat like everyone else.'

"I say, 'Listen, kosher food, everybody knows is hygienic, healthy... This treif stuff can kill you.'

"So she says, 'I'm 95 years old, the quicker I go, the better.' "

The young chassid stopped and gave me a satisfied smile. Then he says, "Now she washes her hands in the morning she says Modeh ani; she bentches; she makes brochos; she lights candles erev Shabbos; she keeps Shabbos; she says Tehillim... She's doing everything 100%!"

"Well that's fabulous," I told him. "What was it you said to her?"

"I just told you!"

"What do you mean?"

"I just told you what I said to her."

"What? You didn't tell me anything."

"I don't know what I said that made such an effect. But I told you the guy said he would shut me down deader than a doornail. Did I have a choice?"

This is the first lesson we need to learn. You see, we think we do have a choice. We think, if we don't reach this Jew, someone else will come along and figure out how to get to him. But that may never happen. G-d sends a limited number of opportunities for growth and spiritual closeness into everybody's life. Your "chance" meeting with another Jew may just be the last door that will ever be opened to him. The very first principle you have to understand is that there is no choice. It's you or nothing. When you realize that, you will find a way to become effective, because necessity is the mother of invention.

However, there is a second important lesson in this story: Unfortunately, the young man made one mistake. He should have spoken to the old lady and found out what it was that made such an impact, so that he could repeat it and teach it to others.

When you do something that works, notice it, examine it, write it down so you don't forget it, and let others know about it. We've got to start sharing our experiences.

LESSON TWO: THE TERM "BAALEI TESHUVA" IS A MISNOMER

At the end of the Second World War, Rabbi Eliezer Silver zt"l received a commission from General Eisenhower to become an of-ficer in the US army, in order to continue his Hatzala work in the displaced persons camps. Amongst the many activities he worked on; getting survivors clothing, shelter, medicine, kosher food, visas for the US...he also compiled lists of the Jews who survived.

As a commissioned officer; he had a jeep at his disposal and GI's guarding him wherever he went.

During his time in Poland, Rav Silver would go to church every Sunday morning. That's right! The Rabbi would enter a Catholic church at high mass, when they were all performing their ritual service, stride right up to the front of the altar, his bodyguards with him, and turn around to face the congregation. Then, at the top of his lungs, he would shout out: "Shema Yisroel Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echod!"

The worshippers would stop their prayers in astonishment and Rav Silver would quickly search the faces of the children in the crowd, to see which ones recognized those holy words. He knew that there were many Jewish children whose parents had turned them over to Catholic families for safety, and these Jewish neshamos, whose parents had died al kiddush Hashem, were being raised as Catholics.

With his ingenuity and fearlessness, Rav Silver was able to save tens, perhaps hundreds, of innocent Jewish children.

Now what do you say: were these children baalei tshuva, namely Jews who have repented from their deliberate transgressions and taken on a new path in life, or tinokot shenishbu (Rambam Hilchos Mamrim 3:3) ,unschooled captives that were mercifully returned to a Jewish life?

Who among us, with Rav Silver's courage, wouldn't do the same thing? And you can, figuratively, by sharing the wisdom and relevance of our heritage with the secular Jews you meet. Non-observant Jews are captives to their upbringing, prisoners to the powerful and enticing society around them. They are not potential baalei tshuva, for they have never consciously left Torah. No, my friends, they are all tinokot shenishbu, Jewish souls that were stolen at infancy and denied access to their rightful heritage.

These children are in as much danger of being lost as those precious souls shining out amongst the Polish worshippers. They're tinokot shenishbu; and therefore, our effort has nothing to do with making them baalei tshuva. It's a misnomer and it confuses us, because it makes us think we have to get them to do tshuva. Not the case! All we have to do is tell them what it means to be Jewish! To tell them who they really are and what a special privilege it is to be a Jew.

LESSON THREE: ALL JEWS ARE MA'AMINIM BNEI MA'AMINIM

Although we are dealing with a matter of inok shenishba, these Jews are, according to the Torah, still the children of Avraham Avinu. Regardless of how they've been raised, they have still inherited the qualities of our holy forefather, Avraham. These kids you see hanging out on the street, these businessmen who look as if they would takeover your family's only livelihood without a backward glance, these young girls and boys who don't seem to understand modest dress and decorum - don't read them wrong. They are still ma'aminim b'nei ma'aminim - believers, the children of believers (Sanhedrin 97a), chasadim b'nei gomlei chasadim - doers of kindness, the children of doers of kindness, and bayshanim b'nei bayshanim - bashful and modest people, the children of bashful and modest people.

The main difference between a Jew and a non-Jew is that Jews are tz'mei'im la'asos r'tzon konam - thirsting to do the will of their creator (Rashi on Sanhedrin 76b). Jews, no matter how far from their roots they have been flung, are literally "thirsting to do the will of their Creator."

I'll tell you a story to bring this point home:

I know a Rebbe who was teaching at a yeshiva high school in Israel, and one of his students, maybe 14-15 years old, told him his mother was having an operation. The boy goes to the hospital and sits in the waiting room. And what does a Jewish boy do? His mother's having an operation, a simple operation, but surgery, nonetheless, so he begins to say Tehillim.

In walks a crusty old kibbutznik, and he walks right over to the kid. "What are you doing here?" he demands.

"My mother's having an operation."

"Yeah, but what are you doing?"

"I'm saying Tehillim."

"You're saying Tehillim? You're saying Tehillim? Is that why we fought for this country? So that a young fellow like you could continue these medieval practices? You need to get rid of your superstitions! You need to be a man! Get up and live in the real world! Take that book and throw it out the window!"

The kid looks the old man over and asks him, "What are you doing here?"

"Oy!" the kibbutznik tells him, "I came to take my son's body."

"What do you mean?"

He says that his son is so sick the doctors can't find his vital signs. They're doing an operation as a last resort, but they're convinced it won't help. The kibbutznik sighs, "He's gonna die. I just came to pick up his body."

So the kid tells him, "Are you crazy? Take a Tehillim, here, say these Tehillim, I mean, pray! What's the matter with you?"

"I won't get involved in this superstitious, medieval stuff. You keep this away from me..."

The kid goes over to the other side of the waiting room and continues saying Tehillim.

Half an hour goes by...three quarters of an hour...and finally, out comes the doctor. He approaches the old kibbutznik and says, "The operation was a success! Your son will live!"

And suddenly the old kibbutznik jumps up, raises his arms and calls out: "Shema Yisroel, Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echad!"

You see, if he's coming to take home the body of his son, is this the time for a culture war? Your son's dying, sit down and mourn! Why is he yelling at this yeshiva student? Because he'd like to pray, he really would, but it's a little late in the day for him to start. A little late to begin doing something he hasn't done since he was a cheder boy in Europe. He's venting his spleen on this kid. But deep down, Yisrael ma'aninim b'nei ma'aminim tz'mei'im la'asos r'tzon konam. They are believers, the children of believers, thirsting to do the will of their Creator...

Don't be fooled, it's all deep down there. If you pay attention, you'll see it. And when you do, focus on that aspect of who he is. In doing so you'll be able to reignite his latent desire to do the will of his Creator.

LESSON FOUR: EVEN IF YOU WIN THE ARGUMENT, YOU LOSE

The next lesson is: Do Not Argue. Nowadays, it doesn't do any good to argue with people. You argue with them...if you lose the argument, you lose the person, and if you win the argument, you lose the person.

I remember as a young man, I learned in Ner Yisroel and attended college at night. I had all the answers, so I figured I'd help these people out. In those days, when you challenged someone and said, "Come on, I'll give you a proof that there is a G-d," they were stuck. It was like in the Old West. When you challenged a guy to a duel, he had to meet you at dawn or high noon.

In those days, you weren't an intellectual unless you were willing to fight it out. Today it won't do any good. Today they say "I'm not into truth, buddy." And that's it.

Often I would debate a student and there were times when I had his hand up behind his back, and the guy told me, OK! Uncle! And I figured, Wow, another neshama, Wow! Until I found out that everybody on campus was avoiding me. They were passing the word around, Watch out. This guy's a fanatic. And no one talked to me anymore. So never argue. Even if you win; you lose.

Once, during a fundraising trip, I called a former student who lived in Connecticut, and he said, "Oh, Rabbi, wonderful, please come over. I want the family to meet you!"

I go and the whole living room is full of relatives, and he begins to introduce me. "These are my brothers, sisters, uncles and aunt, and here, this is my uncle, the atheist. I gave him all the proofs, and he's still an atheist! Go ahead Rabbi, you prove it to him!"

So I take this student aside and say, "Look, Mark, we taught you, and I'm telling you again, never challenge anyone. You challenge someone, he's on the defensive. He's not going to listen. Furthermore, never challenge him in public, and definitely, never in front of his friends; because for the rest of his life, he'll remember that he had to back down. And never, ever, in front of his relatives...he's got to live with them, and for goodness sake, never ever, ever in front of his wife and children. I'm not going to prove to him anything."

A few hours go by, and I take his uncle aside. "My experience," I tell him, "is that you can ask 100 people who say they're atheists if they ever experienced a personal miracle, and 50 of them will say they did.

So his uncle pipes up and says, "I also had a miracle," and then he told me a very moving story. "My sister, Chava, battled cancer for seven years. She was failing, getting worse, and finally she slipped into a coma. We called the doctors, 'What are you going to do?' 'It's too late,' The doctors said. 'She won't make it till the morning.'"

"Well," he tells me, "you've got to tell your mother." She's still alive, we've got to prepare her for this. So all the brothers and sisters get together and we go to our mother's house and we say, 'Chava's not feeling well. She's gotten weaker, and, well, she's going to die.'

"And our mother says, 'Why are you talking that way? How can you say such a terrible thing?'

" 'All the doctors said so.'

" 'The doctors said so? The doctors aren't G-d!' She takes out a Tehillim and says Tehillim the entire night. In the morning, we come to the hospital and my sister is out of her coma. She gets better, leaves the hospital, and lives another ten years, until she dies of other causes!"

So this man, who says he's an atheist, is agreeing with me that people see miracles, and he's telling me his own miracle, which happens to be a very convincing one. So remember, don't argue with them. It puts them on the defensive. And remember, underneath it all they are Ma'aminim bnei Ma'aminim.

LESSON FIVE: FIND OUT WHAT IS REALLY BOTHERING THEM

The first yeshiva I founded for baalei teshuva was in Mevasseret Yerushalayim, in 1966. We had a fellow who came in, and he was interested in Judaism. Finally, one day, he says, "Rabbi, I want to hear the evidence. I'll consider what you tell me, and if it's convincing, I'll agree."

So I sat with him, three hours, five hours, until we worked it through. Finally he says, "You know, you're right. I'm convinced. From now on, I'm a shomer Shabbos Jew."

The next morning, he comes to me after davening and tells me, "I'll never forgive you for the rest of my life. Why did you make a fool out of me?"

"What are you talking about? How did I make a fool out of you?"

He says, "You tried to prove to me that there's a G-d. So you made a fool out of me."

"What are you talking about?"

"How come there are so many professors, so many geniuses, who don't believe in G-d? If there's evidence, why don't they see the evidence? You made a fool out of me!"

You understand what's bothering him? You can give him evidence from today until tomorrow, but it will not be effective until you deal with the one thing that's bothering him.

In this case his problem was: How can brilliant people, who are supposed to be objective, deny something that can be proven?

Never mind that you've done a masterful job. You've got to have the patience to find out what's his block, what's holding him back, and address that, otherwise you cannot move forward.

In this case you know what the answer is?

We say that a cheit, a spiritual mistake, is only committed due to temporary insanity. "A person doesn't trangress unless a spirit of foolishness enters him." Genius, brilliance and great learning are no assurance of sanity. On the contrary, the more of a genius you are, the easier it is to lose your mind.

For example, here's this poor fellow - he'd like to be Napoleon. So you tell him, Chaim, how can you be Napoleon? Everyone knows you're just Chaim. But for a genius, what's the problem? Didn't you ever hear of an alias? Incognito? You say, Chaim, how can you be Napoleon, you don't even know French. If he's a simple guy, he'll have a tough time with that question. But if he's a genius, he says, you've never heard of amnesia? So I don't know French, big deal!

It doesn't do any good dealing with a person on a rational level if something's bothering him. You think you're discussing the issues with him, and he's debating with you back and forth, and you're dealing rationally because he's such an intelligent guy. However, if you don't bring his blocks and his fears to the surface, your teaching will be limited. (Later on, we explain the four most common blocks people have and how to overcome them.)

But you know what? It could be stubborn pride that's bothering him, and if so, you've got to deal with the pride. It could be loss of honor and prestige that's bothering him, and if so, you've got to deal with the honor and prestige. It could be an attachment to physical desires, a lifestyle he doesn't want to change, and if so, you've got to deal with that. It doesn't matter how brilliant the person is, how many titles he has, how many letters after his name... You've got to find out what's bothering him. Find out where he is and address his issues, concerns and blocks.

LESSON SIX: REASSURE THEM THAT YOU ARE NOT JUDGING THEM

I once had a fellow in the yeshiva for several months, and he became an observant Jew. One day he gets a phone call from home - his sister had been visiting Europe and some fundamentalist Christians got a hold of her. She became a born-again Christian, and from a particularly vicious sect. She comes home and tells her mother that the Jews are the devils' eggs, the destroyers of G-d, blood-eating monsters... She says they are filth, terrible, evil, that their bread is contaminated.

The parents called up their son and say, "Please! Come home and help us!"

He comes to me and says, "What should I do? My sister, my parents... I've got to help out."

What can you tell a guy? He's got to pitch in. So he went home and he was there one week and the parents threw one of their kids out of the house. Who did they throw out? Their Orthodox son! Why? Because he says, "I can't eat your food. I'm eating kosher now." What, our food is not good enough for you? Shabbos... What? We're not good Jews? Out of the house, back to Israel!

Is it clear what the problem is? She says, you drink blood, you are crucifiers of G-d, himself, Judas, serpents... And they say, poor kid, we have to help her.

He says, I'm not telling you what's right or wrong, but I have to keep kosher... Hmm. So you've got to understand, people think you're judging them and when they do, they do not feel good about it. Therefore, you've got to reassure them. You've got to tell them, friend, we don't judge anyone. The Almighty will judge us all, one day, but we can't judge one another.

The halacha is that you are not allowed to kill another person to save your own life (Pesachim 25b). He eats treifus, he's a drunk, a bum, a wife-beater, you don't want to know what else, but you cannot put a value on his life and compare it to yours. We are not here to judge another human being.

When dealing with someone else, you have to really feel this lack of judgment, because you can't fool him. If he feels judged, he will not be receptive.

Every human being has a virtue that you don't have, and that's what you've got to focus on. There's an old saying that the reason we have two eyes is to look with one eye at the good points of our fellow man and with the other eye at our own lackings. If you don't love them; if you don't reassure them that you value them, then their bad conscience is going to keep them from hearing you.

These parents love their son, but they feel, our own son is rejecting us, we're no good. But when their daughter rejects them, they say, she's troubled, what can we do for her? They know her position is ridiculous, so they are not threatened. However, with Judaism, Jews know it has credibility. And so, there is always this tendency to feel judged and inadequate. To be effective, you have to reassure them of your respect.

LESSON SEVEN: MITZVAH GORERES MITZVAH

My father, of blessed memory, ran a business. And in those days, in New York, on Sunday, you couldn't open your business. So what would he do? He'd go out collecting for the Jewish community in Eretz Yisroel. He'd go into an apartment building to collect money, and he knew all the Jews. He'd speak to them in Torah, tell them a story, a chassidishe maaseh, and then he'd go on to the next apartment. So one day he goes through this whole building, and he's on the stairs ready to leave, when a Jew walks over to him and says, "Why you didn't come to my house? What, because I'm a mechalel Shabbos, you don't want my money?"

And my father cries out: "Chas vechalila! I don't even know you. Next time I come collecting, I'll visit you."

So the next time he comes to this building, he makes sure to go see this Jew. He sits down, starts talking to him in learning, sees he's a fine man, a talmid chochom, a good man... He accepts his donation and as he's getting up to leave, he says, "Pardon me, but could I ask how come a fine Jew like you is a mechalel Shabbos?"

So the guy tells him his woes. He came to America, got a job, tried to keep Shabbos, got fired from the job, another job, another Shabbos...he's got a family, children, he's got to live, so now he's a mechalel Shabbos.

So my father says to him, "Look, I'm not going to argue with you. But you, yourself, said that you want to be a shomer Shabbos; that it's only circumstances keeping you back. So, on Friday night you come home late, but you come home, right? So whatever time you get home, you can daven maariv, you can make kiddush, you can keep Shabbos in your own home. Don't smoke, don't turn on the lights, your wife should light candles on time, before you come home... In the morning, you can get up a little earlier, daven with a minyan, make kiddush. If you can walk to work, walk. If you can leave your pencil, your scissors, with someone you can trust at work, leave them. And while you're at work see how much chillul Shabbos you can avoid."

And he says, "You know? You're right!"

So the man kept whatever he could the first Shabbos, the second Shabbos, the third Shabbos, and by the fourth Shabbos, he gave up his job and became a shomer Shabbos.

People feel: If I'm no good, then I'll just let it all go. And how much more so when we've been influenced by the Christian society around us that says: One sin, and you're damned forever.

The Jewish approach is so different. We tell a guy, "You're doing mitzvos, so why not get credit for them? You may not call yourself 'religious,' but you're doing mitzvos all day long. Don't you try to help people? It's a mitzvah! So don't just do it cause you're a nice guy. Do it for G-d! Do it cause you're a Jew! Get credit for it, up above! It's not all or nothing. With one mitzvah, you're light years ahead!"

LESSON EIGHT: OUR ENEMIES ARE OUT THERE, ARE WE?

A fellow named Jim came into Aish HaTorah, and someone took him to meet me. I ask him where are you from? Silver Spring, Maryland. What are you doing? Going to college. Which? Harvard. What are you going for? PhD? In which field? Divinity.

You know, Harvard has a school for Presbyterian ministers.

So I ask him, "Are you going to become a Presbyterian minister?"

"Actually," he says, "I already am. I was recently ordained and I have a part-time position in Washington D.C."

He says he travels Sunday mornings from Boston to Washington, gives his sermon, tends to his congregation, and then, at night, goes back to study for his PhD.

Now take note: In kiruv, you can never lose your temper. If you lose your temper; if you start a fight, you've lost a customer. But on occasion even I fail too keep my cool. And this was one of those occasions. A nice Jewish boy becomes a Christian minister? I called him all kinds of names, amongst which I mentioned that he was a traitor. Oh, I lost my temper, and I let him have it with both guns. So, of course, he lost his temper back.

He gets up and starts banging on the table. And he shouts, "Don't you call me a traitor!"

Of all the terrible things I called him, that's the one that hit home.

"Don't you call me a traitor!" he shouts, again. "I went to ten different rabbis. They didn't know what they were talking about, and they weren't even sincere. Then I started learning from my professors in Harvard. They don't know what they're talking about, either, but at least they're sincere!"

And you see, that calmed me down.

I started laughing, and I told him, "I'll show you that we know what we're talking about, and I'll show you that we're sincere. Will you stick around long enough to see?"

And he says, "Listen, Rabbi, I was born a Jew. If you think you can show me, of course I'll stick around."

So he stayed, and the poor guy went through the wringer. You have to understand that it's not that simple. There's a real temptation to remain a Christian. He fought me, and fought me, and it took him almost two months to work it out, and finally he decided he's finished with Christianity. He'll be shomer mitzvos and of course, he's going to start learning Torah.

But he says he has to go back to the States; he has to make a short trip. He'll only be gone six weeks, but he has to go back.

What are you talking about? You've only been learning for two months! You don't know anything!"

"But I have to go back."

"WHY?"

"Because I have to apologize to my parents."

"Don't be silly. Call them up, tell them you're a Jew, they'll be tickled pink. You don't have to apologize."

"Rabbi, I know how much pain I caused them all the years. I can't just call them up and say it was a mistake. I have to go home personally and make it good to them."

I couldn't dissuade him. He goes back, stays for six weeks, and, true to his word, he comes back.

So I ask him, "Jim, how did it go?"

"Great!" he tells me. His father, a dentist, took off from work. His mother, a librarian, took off from work. And they rented a camper, went out for a couple of weeks and just spent time together. They cried, laughed, reminisced, hugged and kissed. They had never felt so close. It was wonderful.

"Come on Jim, how did it go?"

"I just told you, Rabbi. It went great."

"Jim..."

"Yeah, I went to Harvard."

"So how did it go?"

"Well, I talked to my professors. I told them, 'You don't know what you're talking about.'"

"And what did they say?"

"The professors said, 'Look, Jim, you do your thing and we'll do ours.'"

So he went to the dean of Harvard Divinity School and told him, "You don't know what you're talking about."

And the dean told him, "I never knew what a Jewish boy was doing here in the first place."

So Harvard Divinity School gave Jim a Masters in Divinity, with a transcript from Aish HaTorah.

Then Jim went back to Washington D.C., to see a friend who was a Jew for Jesus. He tells his friend, "You don't know what you're talking about. It's full of baloney. It's full of hate."

It wasn't a friendly conversation. The atmosphere was heavy. But the guy argued with Jim, discussed and argued, went from verse to verse. Finally, at the end of the day, they were both exhausted and the guy says, "Come back tomorrow."

They met again a second day, the same thing, a third day, the same thing. Hatred. Finally, at the end of the third day, the guy looks at him and says, "OK, Jim. Logically, I've got no answers for you. But you tell me: Who on campus is gonna to talk to the Jewish kids who have no religion, no G-d, no morality? Who's there reaching out for them? We Jews for Jesus, or you Orthodox Jews?"

And at that moment, Jim made the decision that he's going to be out there on campus! I congratulated him. But really there's no choice. They're already out there.

The Christian fundamentalists are spending millions of dollars, annually, to reach our Jewish kids and convert them to Christianity. They are out there in force, but with your help, we can be out there too!